And I Need To See You
So here’s the thing.
You make me think too much.
You make me believe.
You make me WANT.
Things that can’t be.
Things that won’t be.
We can never be.
It would never work.
But ignorance is bliss.
And I wish that we had tried while we were still blissfully ignorant.
It could have been real.
For just a little while.
My fear overridden by
You?
Me?
You see me.
Will I ever see you?
All these questions floating through my mind
Hands shaking
Heart breaking
When I run out of words
And so do you
~Ashli
All At Once
You are so loud
But you go quietly unheard
You seem so alive
But there is no life in your eyes
Everyone who passes you, looks
But no one ever wants to see
You are still here
But your spirit has gone
Physicality means almost nothing
When you are only a living ghost
Feeling so much, so overwhelmed
You teach yourself how to be
Numb
And Suddenly
Everything
And Nothing
Makes Sense
~Ashli
That Road
The cracks are showing
and I’m not sure how long I can go
without screaming.
without ripping them open
with my bear bloody fingers.
I am made up of mistakes we made.
We never thought to pay any mind
to the pot holes we saw
on our own road to righteousness.
The kind of ruts that call for the authorities
The kind of caves that ruin cars and trip passerby’s.
But we just skipped down the darkening path
by the light of our laughter
and our lies in the street.
We should have seen the thorns
Creeping up the sidewalk,
or even when that sidewalk disappeared.
We should have felt the demons pull us
to half mast,
So we couldn’t see the bigger picture.
Only us.
They dragged us so willingly
into the dens beneath our feet.
We walked right into their dismal tunnels,
and thought it a game.
I chased you through that dirt and muck
until I had to ask myself why I couldn’t move.
I looked down and saw myself
covered in mud.
covered in dirty secrets.
I couldn’t find you after that.
I had lost my light.
Let the demons lead me out
because they didn’t want someone who could see them
wandering around.
They kept you,
but I could hear you calling me.
Yearn for my hand in the distance.
I turned to the road I had to retrace
to get back to where we began
and I saw destruction.
Deceit. Love.
The thorns prodded my bare feet
until you could follow my trail.
Red foot prints leading to a heartbreaking revolution.
I can still hear you calling my name.
I wonder when you will stop and realize
I’m going home.
I’ll beat you to the finish line
and raise my flag to full mast.
I return, broken, battered.
With no one to fix me.
But everyone wants to touch, to see
the darkened heart that is me.
They pretend to listen and care
but they just want to witness the putting together
of an explorer, who went down That Road.
The one you’re supposed to see coming.
It wasn’t the road I missed
It was you.
I didn’t see you coming.
I saw me. Happy.
Who could imagine that that road
could be the darkest road to travel.
By the time you raised your flag,
I didn’t know you.
You didn’t want me.
You saw the road we trekked
and blamed me for the cuts and bruises.
Blamed me for the resulting heartbreak.
Angry.
But that’s okay.
I’d rather you be mad at me
Than be blinded by the blissful, treacherous trail.
That is unfortunately me.
-Toya
With Little Sense
How do you tell someone something,
Something you know they already know.
How can you hide what you feel,
When it’s pouring out of you,
with everything breath you take.
Run. Hide. Die.
Stay. Reveal. Die…
You know it’s never an option,
when no one is willing to fight
Say goodnight,
wish them well.
Move On.
Deep drag, slow burn.
Clear thoughts
I’m not in love with you,
I’m in love with the idea of you
And I can finally breathe again.
The View
You wave at me, so silky sweet
And I can’t help but lift my fingers
And twiddle along to your dark song.
The sandy edges of your cheeks,
weathered with freckles of young.
I’d love to tread along those bones,
but I fear I’ll still be alone—
Teetering on the edge of such splashes.
Your constant motion.
Never the same. Never different.
I wonder what it’d be like to tread those shallow waters.
Walk on the daggers edge.
Taste sweet ecstasy on the tip top
of the last thing I’ll ever do.
So I remain here. At the bottom.
Far away from the edge,
far too close to insanity.
Oh, I wonder what that tastes like.
The salty sound of a painful truth.
I love you.
But I only wonder what it would be like
to trace those solid cheekbones.
Run along your boardwalk brows.
Hide inside those plump waves you call lips.
But it’s always the same. It’s always different.
You wave and I come closer.
Another wave and I’m there.
Then you knock me over with the undercurrent of something I’m not really sure of.
But I know it’s dark and angry.
And I know it’s bright with beauty.
You wouldn’t let me drown if I asked you to.
But you will beg me to come closer
and closer
until I have no choice,
but to become a mermaid with no fins.
To become a fish that cannot swim.
To enter a sea that doesn’t need
A way to stop. A way to breathe.
Oh, stop taunting me sweetheart.
I won’t join you in the dark.
Although my eyes can see the truth,
What I see is nothing new.
-Toya
A tribute
I hate the way you turn around
In our favorite coffee shop.
I hate the way you hold my hand.
I hate you when you stop.
I hate the way you kiss my lips,
Especially when I shake.
I hate the way you roll me one,
And under the moon we bake.
I hate the way you can turn my head
No matter where we are.
I hate the way you bring me back
When my minds not near or far.
I hate the way you talk to me
And the way you close your eyes.
I hate the way you walk with me
Our popular demise.
I hate the way you understand
And the way I get you, too.
It’s uncanny, our relationship
I hate your brown eyes, too.
I hate your smile, your laugh, your touch
And without further ado,
I’ve a lot to hate but you’ve got me now.
I hate—I love you too.
No Happy Endings Here
We were young and I was oh so stupid.
The right people, the right place, the wrong time.
So, here we go again, taking another turn.
Our time’s up, the clock struck too fast again.
You and I were never meant for fairy tales.
We were young and I was so, so naive.
The right people, gone wrong, all in good time.
There goes the memory of us, fading.
Quickly becoming sick to my stomach,
At the thought of spending more time on you.
~ Ashli
Time was not Enough.
You were my Calypso.
I let you go
and set you free.
But you still destroyed
me.
-Toya
Your Song
This is what happens when I listen to music that makes me feel
It goes unanswered. Unchallenged.
Then my mind. It wanders. And it wonders.
And it wanders so far away to where you are.
I remain in silence for fear. The fear of saying the wrong things.
I wish I could be that song. The one you feel.
I want to be,
A love song
Shave or Save
They think it affection but I just needed saving.
Maybe it’s my history that needs desperate shaving.
The bristling edges of never ending natural growth
That society tells us will never be beautiful enough.
So we rake and we shave off the things that make us real
So hopefully one day there will be a lot less to feel.
Underneath the fragile layers of skin quite unpeeled,
There’s a light rarely shown that keeps the soul concealed.
That wraps around the tender glow of someone quite undone,
That shows the ragged scars of a life that’s barely won.
It’s cold and thin and takes too much of the world in;
Sometimes it even bulges at the seams, taking on a sin
Of joyful rapture, bleeding light and an understated hue
that fills the complicated heart and tries to start anew.
All in all, remember this: if a girl captures your heart,
Don’t fall too fast, catch yourself, and pretend the air is smart.
Random Daze theme by Polaraul
